For Amber

It's been a hectic last few months. The kids have started their new school and are adjusting quite nicely. My bf and I have also started nursing school(we must be crazy).  We have 2 of the kiddos in football and have managed to survive the entire (almost over) season with the help of family and the support of our friends. All of these new changes and activities have certainly come with new, yet expected, stress.  There have been times when hiding under the covers has seemed like a better alternative than getting up, making coffee, making lunches, making beds, PowerPoint's, phone calls, grocery trips....oh, the list goes on and on.  And on.  Yet somehow, (it's not really somehow, it's because I love my life) I manage to get up and get most of it done in the 24 hours that God decided was enough for a day.  I personally think it should have been at least 36.  Maybe I'll  put in my request for a change...

On the rare days when I don't have much going on, I have to make myself sit and relax.  Today is one of those rare days and I have been spending time on the Internet, hence the new blog post, checking out Facebook, emails and so on.  I read a few blogs I subscribe to and the blog of a close friend really had an affect on me.  She is going through a rough time. You name it, she is going through it. Divorce, child custody, loss of a home, moving, new schools. It all adds up.  And I can tell there are days it really gets to her.  It reminds me of when I went through some of those same things a few years ago.  I remember when my life was spinning, my head was spinning and I wondered how I was going to keep it all together.  There were days when I didn't, that's for sure.  I found that going through a divorce made me feel alienated.  Alone.  Even when I had support.  Especially when I didn't.  I was a scarlet letter to my married friends and I didn't have much in common with my single ones.  I didn't know where I belonged. I lost contact with so many because I was afraid of judgement (the last thing anyone needs).  I bent over backwards to keep the lives of my children normal and stress-free.  I tried to be everything to them so they didn't feel alienated, too.  I talked them, and myself, through the tears and feelings of hurt and loss.  I acknowledged their pain, anger, frustration and blame.  I did my absolute best to provide an environment where healing could begin.  And yet, even when I  made mistakes, felt as though I wasn't doing enough and was sure I was ruining their lives, I had support. My mom always had my back.  She convinced me to not believe the lies I told myself.  She let me know when I was in denial.  With her help, and a few others, I managed to mostly keep my sanity.

And thank goodness I did!  Now, we are healthy, happy, adjusted.

I say all this because what it comes down to, what I realized today when I read my dear friends blog, is that we all need support. We all need words of encouragement so much more than we think.  We need each other.  We need our people to tell us we are going to make it. When life is hard and when life isn't. We need to give kind words to those we love because it does something great and profound inside our souls.  I know she has that support from her family, from me.  I hope she knows how proud I am of her.  I believe she is an inspiration to others in her community.  She is the picture of how to make lemonade out of lemons.  And I know it hasn't been easy for her.  I know she has probably had her fair share of days where getting out of bed was daunting.  Where angry, hateful thoughts got the best of her.  But, instead of giving in, she keeps moving forward.  Mommies don't have a choice, do we?  We keep going for our kids.  We keep going in spite of troubles, obstacles, lack of faith and love.  And even though it doesn't always seem like it, we have much to be grateful for.

I have more than my share of blessings.  I have so much good to be thankful for.

I'm grateful for the arms of my hunny when life is good or bad.  I'm grateful God blessed me with beautiful children who make my heart so, so happy. I'm grateful for my family and friends who made it through the crazy times in my life and are still willing to stand within arms distance of me.  And most of all, I'm grateful that when I need it most, and even when I don't, I am lucky enough to have people in my life who believe in me and let me know it.

Because of all this, I can't wait to see what tomorrow might bring.  And  I can't wait to pay it forward. 

BK...and I don't mean Burger King!

I am not a financial genius.  I have made plenty of financial mistakes.  I am now trying desperately to fix those mistakes and change my money mindset.  Part of this plan includes filing for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy.  When you file for a BK these days you have to take some credit counseling courses and I took mine online.  I took each of the two courses very seriously and spent hours online completing them.  I learned some very important things about myself along the way...(who knew?) 

The first thing I figured out is that money scares the crap out of me!  Having it makes me feel nervous, as if I already anticipate mismanaging it.  Although I know money is necessary, I'm much more comfy having "just enough" to pay the bills than a bank account full of the stuff.  I need to rethink my relationship with money and how I spend it.  I control my money, my money does not control me.

The second thing I learned is that just about everyone lies about their money situation. We have expensive cars, clothes, hair, nails, toes, perfume, homes, toys, etc...and most of us are in debt up to our ears for it.  I learned that I cannot compare myself to others.  Keeping up with Jones' means keeping up with their debt, too!  Did you know that most financial experts consider buying a new car a financial disaster and most advise to buy a car a year old or more?  I did not know that!  And I'm not ashamed to admit it, either.  (BTW, we have two new cars sitting in the driveway...ooops!)

The last thing I learned was how important it is to always set financial goals for yourself.  Setting goals helps set limits and when they are reached, we have more faith in ourselves that we can accomplish more.  And that's what most people want with their money, right?  More?  Maybe not me...not yet.  The bf and I have 3 short-term goals set for ourselves right now.  The first is right around the corner from being achieved.  That feeling is so liberating and makes me want to start setting goals all over the place!  How much can I cut from the budget every month?  How much can I save?  How long can I actually go in between pedicures?! 

It's all starting to make some sense now, this money management thing.  I'm not going to say I'm grateful for filing for bankruptcy (although it has lifted an enormous burden) but, I'm thankful I took the classes seriously.  I now have somewhat of an obsession with my money and banking and have started using a free online tool to help manage our finances. We can see just how much we spend on our cars, shopping, groceries and the like.  And just how much we throw out the window...yikes!  We can set budget goals and be alerted when we are close to going over. We can set goals for saving.  It's a great constant reminder to stay focused on the present as well as the future.  If I can only just bring myself to login everyday...just kidding.

I'm already adding new goals to the list...

Like mother, like son.

My second child is more like me than the other two.  He is way too smart for his own good.  He is charming.  He understands how to get along with his peers AND mine.  He is sensitive and loves snuggle time.  He reads well but is bored to death with traditional classroom learning.  He has a temper.  He likes to have the last word.  He says "I'm sorry".  Sometimes he wines to get his way.  He likes spicy salsa.  And he is hysterically funny.  He loves to laugh and to make others laugh.  He never cares if you're laughing at him or his joke or whatever...he just loves a good laugh.  He is frequently the "class clown" of our nightly family dinners.  I am frequently telling him to settle down at the dinner table.  What amazes me most about his humor is how darn quick-witted he is.  He is 8. 

The other day, our cousin was in labor with her first child.  There were some scary moments at first but then labor continued and I told the kids that a baby was coming!  Of course, my 8-year-old is impatient (also like his mother) and wants to know WHEN?  I tell him that we don't know because she may have a c-section or vaginal delivery.  He wants to know what a c-section is. I tell him.  He then asks what a vaginal delivery is (he knows the answer to this question, he just wants to see if he can make me squirm).  I tell him it is when a woman pushes her baby out through her vagina.  His response?  UUUGHHH.  I say, "What do you mean, ugh, it's how you were born!"  He tells me, "Gross, mom...I have to take a shower!".  How does he know to say something so perfectly funny? 

Last weekend, my boyfriend and I were sitting outside watching the kids play basketball.  He was complementing me on being a great mommy.  I told him I couldn't imagine not having his help.  We looked out at the boys and got a little misty-eyed.  I said I was glad that he was helping me raise such good boys.  It was a very sweet moment.  Just then, my comedian walks up and my boyfriend asks him if he is happy.  He says yes.  We smile at each other and I realize all this is making me way too emotional so to ease the moment I say, "But are you well-adjusted?"  He says, "No way!"  That's my boy!!  And of course we are cracking up at the irony of his answer.  This kid!  I tell ya...he makes me so proud.

It smells like WHAT???

My dad's birthday was back in January.  Normally, we celebrate by getting up at the butt-crack o' dawn and having breakfast somewhere yummy with all the kids in tow.  This year, however, our yearly outing was delayed until just this last weekend because dad has a slew of work and every Saturday and Sunday are eaten up at the shop.  We finally decide to make a date for last Sunday and head off to Placentia for our most favorite Mexican restaurant.  This time my boyfriend and his pops come along for the ride.  The plan is to pick up dad at 6:45am.  Why do we do this so early again?  I can't remember.  Oh yeah, it's because our favorite joint is everybody else's favorite joint, too, and if we don't get there when the place opens, we'll have to suffer and wait 15-20 minutes for a table.  Seriously.  My dad is crazy about getting there at 7am.  Sharp.  Sooo, Sunday morning rolls around and we oversleep.  Couldn't be the 3-4 cocktails we had over dinner and a movie the night before.  Or because our 8-month-old Olde English Bulldog woke us up twice with exploding diarrhea.  Nooooo.  We manage to get up, get the kids ready and leave by 6:45am.  Right about the time we were supposed to be picking dad up.  Mind you, none of us showered.  GROSS.  We make it to dad's and to our most favorite resty just about 30 minutes behind schedule ( mostly due to the fact that the bf drove it like he stole it).  The kids are so excited.  We pile out of the car and my 8 year old son, who apparently only comes with one volume (loud) says, and I quote, "IT SMELLS LIKE MEXICAN PEOPLE!"  Right about now, I can hear the record screech to a halt; the proverbial "crickets".  Seems awfully busy here in the parking lot right now.  I look at my angel face child and ask him what he said, just for clarification.  Because, I feel like I need to further the embarrassment.  Because, I obviously don't learn from my mistakes.  And he gladly obliges me. "I SAID IT SMELLS LIKE MEXICAN PEOPLE!"  Oh, yeah.  You already said that.  Right about now, I'm incredibly humiliated and at the same time enormously thankful that the bf and his pops are "of Latin descent".  Pops laughs it off and says, "Oh yeah?  What do Mexicans smell like?"  My bright-eyed boy replies, " Yummy!"  Then he runs to open the restaurant door for his mama.

What? My parents lied to me?

Come on, it's not like I don't already know it, but they really did lie to me.  About a lot of stuff.  And I fell for it.  Things like, "You can't have dessert if you don't clean your plate."  Hmmm....maybe this led to the life-long battle with weight.  Or maybe the classic, "If your friends were all jumping off a bridge, would you follow them?"  Let's see, will it end the lecture any sooner if I do?  My mom and dad were notorious lecturers.  Growing up, lectures in my house could last an entire year if they thought it would get me to clean my room.  But, like any teenager, I ignored what they were saying, so I thought.  And then I grew up and had children of my own.  Yet somehow,  right smack dab in the middle of my thirties, I'm  hearing their words again, as if they are standing next to me, whispering in my ear.  Except it's not them.  It's me!  Throwing it all back up for MY kids to suffer through on what seems like a daily basis...just like they did!  There have been many times when I have heard my parents words spewing from my lips, but, as of late, it's impossible to escape!  I know we all do it.  We all become our parents, eventually.  Mine weren't all that bad.  Great, actually.  I relished my childhood. I had many freedoms (and many groundings for enjoying them a bit too much).  So, I'm not here to bash my folks for how they raised me or for being too strict.  I'm here because very early on, my 3 beautiful children taught me that this journey called parenthood isn't what it's always cracked up to be.  In our home we cope with life's struggles and savor it's joys with humor.  A lot of humor.  I couldn't stay sane a day without it.  So, this blog is about how my kids and I get through this crazy thing called life.  Oh, and I get to learn a few things along the way...